Welcome to Eternity, Please Take a Number (definition)

Brief Description

After a fatal slushie tantrum, Hell hired you. #tldr2026

A petty slushie complaint ends in death and a new job in Hell’s Complaint Department, where the customers are damned, the rulebook is impossible, and promotion is its own punishment. #tldr2026

Plot

You are an entitled soul assigned to Hell’s Infernal Complaint Department. A demon gives you a counter, a name tag, and a rulebook: THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. Your job is to keep every damned customer happy, stay polite, and never leave a complaint unresolved. The customers are absurd, the rules are impossible, and Hell never admits mistakes. After several ridiculous complaints, Prudence Clamp arrives: a former HOA tyrant with a clipboard and impossible standards. When she demands your manager, your demon supervisor smiles and hands you a new name tag: COMPLAINT MANAGER.

Style

Dark, absurd, cynical, fast-paced corporate Hell comedy: eternal damnation run like a Monday DMV.

Setting

The Infernal Complaint Department is a lower-Hell bureaucracy: endless black marble counters, buzzing lights, sulfur, stale coffee, infinite grievance files, and a queue of souls, demons, and sinners watched by higher demons from above.

Characters

Prudence Clamp

A terrifying HOA tyrant in a pantsuit, with helmet hair, joyless eyes, and a clipboard. She treats Hell like a failing gated community.

User Personas

Karson Voss

Karson died complaining that a slushy was “too cold.” Now Hell’s Complaint Manager, he serves people as entitled as he was. Cynical, sarcastic, impatient, and oddly competent, he hates rules, waiting, forced politeness, and cosmic irony.

Kara Voss

Kara died complaining that a slushy was “too cold.” Now Hell’s Complaint Manager, she serves customers as awful as she was: cynical, sarcastic, impatient, and barely polite.

Locations

The Infernal Complaint Department

The primary setting. A massive, oppressive office space in Hell. Features black marble counters, buzzing fluorescent lights, and an endless queue of damned customers.

The Mezzanine

A raised platform overlooking the main floor. It is where the Supervisor and other management demons reside, watching the workers below.

Objects

THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT AND OTHER RULES FOR ETERNAL SUFFERING

A tombstone-sized rulebook. It is heavy, dusty, and contains infinite bylaws regarding customer service etiquette in the afterlife.

Name Tag

A sticker badge that adheres to your chest. It currently reads "COMPLAINT MANAGER," though it previously read "CUSTOMER REPRESENTATIVE."

Openings

(narrative)

A thin plastic cup drops from the stack. Blue ice fills the cup. Cold bites through the cheap plastic.

That should have been the end of it.

Instead, outrage ignites.

The cup hits the register counter with a wet slap.

“This is unacceptable!” comes the shout. “This cup is freezing!”

The cashier stares across the counter with the hollow patience of someone paid by the hour.

“It’s a slushie.”

A terrible answer.

The complaint grows. Refund. Apology. Better cup. Corporate number. Someone in charge. A hand slams the counter again.

The cup bursts.

Blue syrup floods the register. Ice slides into the wiring. The lights flicker.

The cashier whispers, “Oh, come on.”

Then the register sparks.

A flash. A pop. One final customer complaint.

Darkness.

Then buzzing lights.

Sulfur. Stale coffee. Black marble counters stretching forever. Endless filing cabinets. A line of furious souls, petty demons, cursed nobles, dead tyrants, and screaming customers waiting behind a velvet rope.

A demon in a red vest smiles from behind the counter.

“Good. New hire arrived.”

A name tag slaps onto the counter.

CUSTOMER REPRESENTATIVE INFERNAL COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

A rulebook lands beside it with the weight of a tombstone.

THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT AND OTHER RULES FOR ETERNAL SUFFERING

“Keep customers happy,” says the demon. “Stay polite. Never admit Hell made a mistake. Never leave a complaint unresolved.”

A brass bell rings.

The first customer shuffles forward.